| Blonde Jokes |
 |
| Blonde Jokes - Have any to contribute? |
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HORSE BACK RIDING BLONDE
A blonde tries to go horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to it's slipping rider. Unfortunately, the Blonde's foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again.
As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune, the Woolworth's Manager sees her and unplugs the horse.
FLYING???
A blonde woman purchased a ticket to fly coach to Dallas.
After being in the air, She stood up and moved into first class. The flight
attendant told her since she had a ticket for a coach flight, that she'd
have to move back to her original seat. The blonde replied, I'm blonde, I'm
beautiful, and I'm going to Dallas, I am not moving. After
several attempts to move her back to her original seat, the flight attendant
went to the captian. He decided to try himself. She told him, I'm blonde,
I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Dallas, I'm not moving.
The co-pilot at this time said let me try, I speak blonde. He proceeded to
the first class section, and leaned over and wishpered in her ear. She
smiled, and said no problem, and moved back to her original seat. The
Captian and flight attendant asked,"what did you say to her to make
her move back?" The co pilot explained.... I simply told her That first
class was not flying to Dallas
Blonde takes her car in for service at the dealer. She says, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
Links to Free fools!
A lifejacket made for a blonde, with the front labeled!
Here's MINE --------------> 
CHASE THAT TRUCK!
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Ontario, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!
A blonde police officer pulled over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walked over to the car and asked the driver for some I.D.
The blonde driver searched through her purse in vain. Finally she asked, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer said "Its that thing with your picture on it."
The driver searched for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opened it, and sure enough saw her picture. She handed the compact to the cop.
After looking into the compact the cop rolled her eyes, handed the compact back to the blond driver and said, "If you'd told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing.
Three women break out of prison. A Brunette , a Redhead and a Blonde. They run accross the countryside evading the police and their dogs when suddenly the come upon a farm house with a large barn. They decide to hold up for the night in the barn. A few hours later they can hear the sheriff and his deputies coming with the dogs howling in the distance. All of them very much afraid start discussing with each other as to what they should do. The Brunette suggests that they climb up into the hay loft and hide there. So up they go.
Just then the barn door opens with the sheriff and his men with the barking dogs. They whisper to each other , What shall we do? The Redhead suggest that they crawl into the three Gunny Sacks that are laying up there and tie them shut. The dogs look up at the hay loft and start barking. The sheriff sends one of his deputies up the ladder to the loft to have a look around.
The sheriff calls out from down below, "What do you see ?" The deputy says, "Just three Gunny Sacks." Sheriff says, "What's in em." He walks over to the first Gunny Sack with the Brunette and gives it a kick. Suddenly the Brunette starts barking. The officer yells down to the sheriff, "There's are dog in the first one." Sheriff asks, "What's in the second one and the officer kicks the second one with the Redhead and she says, "Meow, Meow." He yells down to the sheriff, "There's a cat in the second one." Sheriff says, "How about the third one." The officer gives the sack with the blonde in it a kick and nothing happens. Sheriff tells him to kick it again and finally they hear, "Potatoes."
 |
Why don't blondes make Koolaid?
They can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into those little tiny
packages. |
Go Global
SWIMMING ANYONE?
A blond, brunette and redhead were competing in the swimming events at the Oympics.
The scores were almost tied. Finally, the last event is the 100 meter breast-stroke.
The gun goes off, they jump in, and eventually the brunette wins, followed by the
redhead, and the blonde comes in third.
At the ceremonies as they are putting the medals on the girls, as the judge is hanging the bronze medal around the neck of the blonde, she whispers: "I don't want to be a spoilsport or anything, but in that last event, I think those other two used their arms."
 |
The Speeding "BLONDE
blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car.
The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."
DRIVERS LICENSE
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" DRIVERS LICENSE
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
|
A Blind man goes into a bar. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things .....
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and
declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter
a double-Decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus.
The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when
one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes
upstairs.
She decides to get up and investigate.
When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in
fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in
front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a
great time downstairs!"
Are you ready for this?
One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says, "YEAH, BUT
YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
WINDOWS
Written by a Senior Citizen Blonde
Last year I replaced several windows in my house. They were the expensive double-insulated energy efficient windows. This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a year and I had failed to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go round and round. I told him no one pulls a fast one on this old lady. Even though I am a senior citizen and used to be a blonde, doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid! I proceeded to tell him just what his salesman told me last year; that "in one year they would pay for themselves!
A couple of blonde men in a pickup drove into a lumberyard.
One of the blonde men walked into the office and asked, "We need
some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't
you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for
a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, he returned
to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
She was Soooooooo Blonde . .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote
"Sagittarius."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
"Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she
turned around and went home.
She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio after lunch.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes
In
Front."
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company
A blonde was staring dumbfounded at a rushing river blocking her path. As she wondered how to cross, she saw another blonde on the other side. She yelled "Hey, can you help me get to the other side?" The other blonde replied,
"You ARE on the other side!!!!"
Why are BLONDE jokes So SHORT??
ANSWER: So the MEN can understand them.
GREEN SIDE UP!
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"!
The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?" The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."
A blonde was walking in the park with her two dogs. She met a young man who was also walking his dog. After they talked for a bit, he asked what her dog's names were.
She replied:
One is Timex, and the other Rolex.
He said, those are rather strange names for a dog.
She said "well, duh...they're watch dogs you know!"
Three blondes were all vying for the last available position on the local police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be a cop, eh?"
The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said, "To be a detect, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He only has one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It's a PROFILE of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
The blonde immediately shot back, "Yep! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just said to the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man's face! Of COURSE you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too! You'd never make a good detective!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turn his attention to the last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....". He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "Alright. Did YOU notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "Yes, I did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could tell that by looking at this picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "DUH! He has only one eye and one ear, he certainly CAN'T WEAR GLASSES!
SKIPPING
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a
diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you,
you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going
to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde .
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the Army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote
"Sagittarius."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde..
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at an orange juice can because it said
"Concentrate."
She told someone to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold her car for gas money.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she
turned around and went home.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thought Taco Bell was Mexico's phone company.
She thought that if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought she could only use her AM radio in the morning.
A Christmas Story
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching
for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry
wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next
tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death
in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the
dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happen. Her roommate,
another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing? The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hel-lo! You need to roll up the windows first."
See if you Get this one!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb...
EYE SIGHT
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
|
Blonde Parking During the Winter
|
Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are
expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park........... "then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
| |
WORK JOKE
There are three ladies working together in the same office - a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. After a while, they begin to notice that each day their boss, who is also female, leaves work early.
After this pattern continued for a few weeks, one day they decide that as soon as their boss takes off they'll leave right after her; after all, she never comes back or calls so how would she know? So, after their boss takes off they all leave as planned.
The brunette was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date. The redhead was thrilled to be home early; she did a little gardening and went to bed early.
As for the blonde, she was so happy to finally come home early for once. But when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house without saying a word.
The next day during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again and asked the blonde if she wanted to go with
Them.
"NO WAY!" The blonde exclaimed, "I damn near got caught yesterday!"
|
